Sunday, October 25, 2009

Let's get awkward...

As you may know, my sister is getting married in May of 2010. I only have one sister. And she is three years my junior. I'm as comfortable with this scenario as last year's winner of the International Hot Dog Eating Contest was with the contents of their stomach after the timer went off and they had a minute to hold still.

That said, I'm looking to beat her to the altar, and contestants are encouraged to apply... and quickly.

Some of the perks I'm willing to throw in, for the right candidate, include:

- A Season Pass to Alta Ski Resort, annually, for the duration of the matrimonial union.
- A place at my lavish and desirably located condo. Which is, I may add, kept meticulously clean to a professional level.
- Meals, often ethnic and/or vegetarian via my preference, though I can cook anything, and pretty well at that.
- Of course, the inherent benefits of marriage - tax cut, social position, partnership, blah blah blah.
- An enthusiastic and passionate partner for: outdoor adventures, globe-trotting, conversation, etc, etc.

In following with Ghandi's beautiful words, "Be the quality you seek," I wouldn't expect anything from a candidate that I do not expect from myself. Here are the pre-reqs advised for anyone wishing to apply, as well as some things that can be expected:

Self sufficiency to an acceptable, adult level. Candidate must possess the motivation and initiative to strive for multi-faceted personal growth, including but not limited to:
-A basic level of satisfaction with own life.
-Pursuit of educational and intellectual development, at the college level and beyond.
-A command of at least the English language; competent communication skills.
-An interest in health and nutrition, and an active lifestyle.
-Financial health - no outstanding debt to mafia or casinos, or obscene lines of credit.
-Ambitions, at the least, toward a career, and steps in that direction (i.e. school, employment...)

* I don't smoke anything, drink alcohol, or indulge in recreational substance use. Nor do I detest those who choose otherwise; however, that will be a tenet of the union, and on that note, no pets.

*I enjoy the company of people from all walks of life, and ideally, a partner would have a charisma that allowed the same, as well as relatively presentable manners, and social intelligence enough not to offend the masses, or cause riotous outbreaks in public.

* I enjoy skiing, climbing, hiking, the arts - modern dance, literature, galleries of stunning images captured by stroke of hand or lens, opera, musical performances in general. I like to attend events and lectures that stimulate the mind and heart. I enjoy the pain and gratification of self improvement, from breaking down my own misconceptions about the world to tearing the flesh off my palms on a route.

I am open a ceremony in one of these, eventually, although this or possibly even this could be negotiated for the time being.

Thank you for your time.


Author's note: This is a joke. While a charmed happily-ever-after is by no means unappealing, I'm not actually thinking my sister's upcoming nupitals a legitimate impetus for marital connection.



Leah Marie said...

You are hysterical. ;-)

Tyler & Katie Rice said...

hilarious. loved it!

Destiny said...

You had me at an Alta Pass.

Kim said...

Hmmmmm... wanna write a personals ad for me??? Ha Ha!!! You made my day!