Wednesday, January 7, 2009

School, Novel, Love and the New Year

So, I did it. I registered for Spring Term.

I know I said I wouldn't. I know I said other things were going to take precedence over my education this Spring.

But in the final moments where I scrambled the funds together, made the payment, and registered for the 16 credits I'll be taking, the thoughts going through my mind were right on track.

The thing is, in my old age of 22, I've become increasingly goal oriented. It isn't as much about the cash-out value or trade-offs of going to school anymore - yes, I just eliminated the probability of skiing in Europe, Jackson Hole, and a handful of other 'really exciting adventures' - but I'm making a permanent investment in a long range goal, that ultimately serves to make adventure more accessible, life more stable, etc. I think of the quote "Pay me now, or pay me later, but either way, you're going to pay me." I see the face of The Man in that saying, a rasp in his voice. I'm going to pay that old bastard now, walk down the line and take my diploma a year from May, a document that may or may not make my skills more marketable, my abilities more recognizable... but will symbolize a fulfillment of a commitment I made to myself, and embody the unlocking power to achieve future goals. I could rant on and on about school, but in summary, I'm going! And I LIKE it! :)

Novel, the second subject of this post. I've had some characters growing in my brain the past few months. It's like being pregnant... I assume, I have no idea what that actually feels like, but I swear these characters kick the back of my forehead and lean on my hypothalamus til my sleep patterns go irregular and my appetite buckles. They want out. I want them out. I'm going to write them into being this spring, in the company of a writer's group I've been invited to join, which I am thrilled about.

Love. I hesitate to write this... but because things like this need to be borne, not suffocated in the confines of my skull, I shall. I've had this ongoing crushlikething for a while now, for a dear friend. I was talking to another dear friend about it a few days ago, and he said that this 'crush' is the one thing that makes him question my otherwise admired (by him) intelligence. Kind of stunning, really, like a bee sting on a pleasant summer day, the worst part of it being that I knew exactly where he was coming from. A few other good friends have made a similar point. I don't think that it's a particularly good look for an independent, whole woman to wear - this waiting, almost pining, thoughtfully patient "love." Dear friend #2, bee sting guy, says I should be 'putting myself out there more' - and he also scolded me for paying for my own dinner on dates, my typical policy. To all of this, I respond that sure, I could be more engaging in the possibilities of romance with random dates, and I guess I could let strangers pay for food I consume and would rather pay for myself, and I suppose I could forget for a while how every second I spend in the company of dear friend #1, crushguy, feels like home the way I remember it from age 9... unpretentious, comfortable, right. But hey, I don't have the time or energy to change my ways today. I'll think on it though.

And lastly, the New Year. Instinctively, I wanted to say "I hope it's good to you all." Instead, I say decide now what you want it to look like, summon your courage, fill your lungs, and press forward. 2009 is bound to be filled with unseen obstacles, challenges, trials, pain.... and possibly as much happiness and fulfillment as your soul can contain. This first week of it is the part where we address what we want the content to look like. The headlines will make themselves, the paragraphs that follow, where we record our reactions, express our rhythms, draw our character - that's all open, and is largely determined by habit.

With love,
JH

3 comments:

Gibbs said...

Love the post! Congrats on the classes--and there's nothing wrong with letting a little unrequited love keep away the dudes who would have you swap your quest for theirs and/or get you with child before you're really ready, then honor the intelligence that keeps you going...

Gibbs said...

BTW I have H. on my lap demanding that I show him Iron Man. This WAS to be my personal reading time. :-)

JH said...

Possibly the best dividend I'm getting out of the whole unrequited love thing... God knows I don't want the "other options"! Thanks so much for the comment, I hope little H enjoyed his heavy metal fix, sorry about your reading time :)